Wow, now here is a touchy subject everyone.
I am writing this post about what alcoholism took away from my life because it took so much! Not just the normal stuff like what everyone faces when they have an addiction but for me, much more.
Why I feel the need to let this kind of personal side of my life be known is still slightly a mystery to me but somehow helps just a bit.
Not that it took my life situation but something a little less but at the same time just a bit as important. It took away, me.
I used to be different before I started down that path of killing brain cells off with too much alcohol. I used to have all kinds of fun. I loved fishing, playing golf, hanging out with friends and family as well but when I hit that point of no return from drinking too much, all that disappeared.
What Alcoholism took away from my life
Man, I just don’t know how deep to go with this as it can go deep but, if you have never experienced an addiction before you may not be able to relate to this as well.
Aside from my self esteem and friends, jobs, health…Mostly took my ability to be with my family. Family folks…family is everything and when everything else in this world goes to shit on you, you can almost always rely on family to be there for you.
This is of course if you have not killed that connection off completely during your addiction.
I was fortunate enough to have not killed mine so deeply but I did lose my marriage and the love and trust from my children. Children other than the marriage is THE MOST IMPORTANT thing not to lose and even though I still have mine in my life there is a piece of that relationship gone to where I will never get that back!
Do you understand how bad that can feel? Yeah, I still see and talk and hang out with my children to this day but, there is something missing…the closeness.
Closeness and most importantly, respect.
Respect that is gone once you go that far into an addiction is something that to this day I am still trying to get back. It is extremely difficult. No matter what I do or accomplish in my life from the day I quit drinking will never be as good as it would have been if I were never on that path of destruction.
This is how I see it in my head, maybe not the same for them but I will never really know because unless they build a time machine to be able to go back to before that addiction happened so you can fast forward your life and see what would’ve happened, one will never know.
How did it ever come to this?
As I write this post, I am sitting here listening to my favorite band which helps me concentrate. I am listening to Pink Floyd’s “Momentary Lapse of Reason”. And not only does the title to the album bring me closer to what I am writing about but one of the lyrics in one of the tunes…”How did it ever come to this”? (SONG:Yet Another Movie-Round and Round)
How did it come to this? Why would anyone ever put their children in the path of your own destruction? It makes absolutely no sense to me. But, I did it nonetheless. A bit of selflessness is what it was, a non caring effort to give myself some type of satisfaction and for what? An alcoholic beverage!! A drink in which kills you! PERIOD
This post was going to go into everything that I lost in my alcoholic state but lately, I have been thinking about my children more than anyone or anything else.
Where would we be now if I just stopped?! I know for one thing…We, would have been much happier. Even if my marriage still ended, we still would have had something more than we have now.
The children…Think about the children!
I wish back then someone would have got right in my face and screamed until I was deaf…”The children…Think about the children” for once instead of your addiction! But back then I did not see it as a problem. I guess this was self denial of that something so innocent as a drink could impact our lives in such a way that there was no way back.
I just wish…
Children are innocent and see things at face value, they don’t see into what your problems are or what is happening in your head and there would be no way on Earth that you could explain in a way that they would understand even if you could make any sense of it. You know why? Because, an addiction makes no sense, that’s why!
To this day, I still think back about how I was when my children were around when I was consuming that EVIL drink! And it scares me! It scares me to where I shudder every time I think about it.
What could have happened when Daddy took the kids to the store to grab another 6 pack of cold ones, buzzed from the 6 already! What in the hell was I thinking!
Not only did I put them at risk but myself and all others on the road but when I really think about it and I am sorry if this sounds self centered but the hell with me and all others but, my kids? Why put them through my bullshit? Why endanger the one thing in my life that earlier that day was showing off their pictures and bragging about how awesome my kids are. Why?!
Well, I have kicked myself for one story enough for today…
Where are we today?
Well, I am happy and proud to say that even though my respect through their eyes and thoughts are diminished, they are still in my life.
I do not live with them any longer but they live right down the road from me. We still spend some time together but not enough as it is still very hard to spend time with them knowing how bad I screwed up. I know that does not make much sense but this is a journey that I am trying to pick up the pieces one day at a time.
Trying to show them that I am on this road to recovery for the rest of my existence on this planet and it takes time to earn back any respect that was lost through the years of my alcoholic addiction.
Unfortunately children grow up and have little time for their parents as their friends are in place now. They rely on friends to help them cope with what is hurting them inside.
I went swimming with my Daughter today for a short while and wish I could have more time then we did but anytime with her is a blessing. My son, he has ROTC during the summer before school starts back up and is pretty darn busy with that but when he has the time, I try to spend any time with him that I can.
But, like I said….The respect is gone and that don’t come back over night. It is a slow process.
Well, for now…that is all I can muster to open my heart about on this part of my alcoholic addiction. If anyone is going through this or did go through this or were children of an alcoholic parent then, you can relate I am sure of it.
Thank you for taking the time to read my story about what alcoholism took away from my life and if anyone needs an ear or maybe some friendly advice, don’t hesitate to email me. My personal email is: firstname.lastname@example.org
I am here if you ever need someone to talk to or share your experience with and maybe we can help each other through this part of our journey.
GET SOBER, YOUR KIDS ARE FAR MORE WORTH IT!
If you need help, here is a website to check out: http://www.aa.org/